My Wife Made Me Do It!

It was brought to my attention recently that not every stay-at-home, home educating, catholic wife is as happy as I am. To be honest, I was shocked. Yes, I know that sounds naive but I thought, because we all had similar family situations, it was sunshine and rainbows for all. It seems some of my buddies are not completely satisfied with the amount of time they spend with, and the amount of assistance they get from, their husbands.

I want to make it clear that my friends were not standing around husband bashing. It all started when I mentioned that my husband, let's just call him "awesome Stacey", does the bath, books, and bed routine with the kids every night while I do some evening cleanup, hang out with Athena, or just watch some TV. My friends asked me, "How do you make him do all that?" Stacey and I never actually had a discussion in which we divided up these activities equally. It just kind of happened as he naturally wanted to check in with his kids after being away from them all day. And we probably get at least 30-45 minutes of conversation in between him getting home and going to bed. I am not saying that every family should start doing this or they won't be happy. What I am saying is, if your current routine is not working, have a conversation with you spouse, and make some changes.

I think it may be difficult for some moms to ask for help in these domestic areas because they feel it is their responsibility as their husband works outside the home. But, my fellow moms, if we get burnt out, we can not teach, discipline, clean, or make dinner . . . at all, let alone with a smile on our face and in our hearts. I can honestly say that I love being a mom and I am joyfully living out my calling. When I realize that Athena needs a diaper change, do I shout out with joy? No, that's crazy talk. But while I am changing her, I get to gaze into her adorable eyes and spend a few minutes just being together, stinky diaper and all. And when she's all clean and unstinky, she gets a big smile as if to say, "Thank you, mom. I couldn't have done it without you". Having to discipline my kids is not always super fun but it reminds me how blessed I am that I get to be the one to teach them. But I can not do this 24/7. That's why God gave me a partner in crime. Stacey is the head of this household (uh oh. I think I just heard the sound of a million feminists gasping) but it doesn't mean he comes home and sits on his throne while we all wait on him. Do you think Stacey would be very proud to be head of an unhappy household? In a marriage where his wife resents him and is too tired to be loving? A father who doesn't know a thing about his children and whose children don't know him? Stacey works for the good of his family 24/7, not just when he is at his place of employment. Did I mention that he works 50 - 55 hours a week and still manages to be the best husband/father he can be?

I listen to two awesome talk radio programs, hosted by the same couple, Dr. Greg Popcak and his wife, Lisa. Just as I was thinking about addressing this topic on my blog, I heard them answer a listener's e-mail on Heart, Mind, and Strength, on this very same topic. The listener expressed her frustration with her husband. She is 6 months pregnant with their 4th baby.  She and her husband have an arrangement where they take turns putting the kids to bed but she usually ends up doing it all, even when it is her husband's turn. She was okay with this until she found herself pregnant with number four, exhausted at the end of the day, and unable to comfortably perform all parental tasks (ie: bedtime routine). She has pleaded with her husband and his reply has been "I do more then the average dad". Her question to The Popcaks: What is reasonable when asking or insisting on help from my husband when he gets home from work?

I loved Greg Popcak's answer. Allow me to paraphrase. First off he is not crazy about couples who try to divide up all of the work equally because this leads to problems almost always. When someone gets sick or is otherwise unable to perform their equal half of the tasks then you end up in this negotiation about one spouse taking the others "shift" and one spouse "owing" the other. Second of all, it is not the wife "making" the husband perform additional tasks. It is the situation that you have created together that is requiring additional tasks to be done. This whole, "My wife is making me do this or that" or "I did my wife a favor and cooked dinner" is a bunch of poo. Stacey and I do what needs to be done according to what the day brings.

For example: I spent all day today at the Spokane Baby Fair working at the Inland Northwest Doula Network booth. This is an event I attend every year. We planned ahead by going to Mass last night. I prepared a dinner that Stacey would just have to pop in the oven. While I was gone, he played with our children in the yard, he fed Athena and put her down for a nap, he made lunch, he washed the dishes, and he did a couple loads of laundry. When I got home, I got down to nursing Athena while Stacey and I shared our adventures. I do not "owe" him a Sunday. He did not do me a huge favor by spending time at home with my kids. I am grateful for the work he put in to our family today just as I am grateful for the work he puts in when he is working outside the home at his place of employment. Our evening went on as it usually does . . . actually it didn't. He did the dishes after dinner because he could tell how completely beat I was. I didn't ask him to. He just did what had to be done to keep this household running smooth. That, my dear friends, is a man of God.

Dr. Popcak also went on to address this "more than the average husband" business. It is not about doing just enough to be considered above average. It's about being the spouse that your wife needs you to be. Not the average husband that the wife down the street needs you to be. I love those Popcaks.

In conclusion, I encourage all of my married friends to seek out arrangements that allow everyone to live joyfully within your awesome families. You are not being a nag by requesting more of your spouse, you are simply helping them to become the fantastic spouse/parent that you know they are capable of being. When each member of the family is working for the good of the entire family, you will truly be able to enjoy changing those stinky diapers and teaching your toddler not to write on the walls.

If you wanna check out the radio show I was referencing, click here. It is called Heart, Mind, and Strength. That particular episode, Friday, March 12th, is not listed on this page but you can also go to itunes and download it for free.