It's going to be okay

As I mentioned in my last couple of posts, my husband started complaining of stomach pains Wednesday night of Camp Mom. He was out of bed all night because he just couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep. The next day he called in sick to work in an attempt to get some sleep during the day. He started feeling better after not eating all day but after dinner, the same pain came on again. He attempted to go into work the next morning but came right back home. Again, he felt well enough in the evening to eat at the camp fire but then immediately started feeling sick again. Finally on Saturday evening, around 5:30, he headed into Spokane to the VA Hospital.

I tried calling him several times with no luck so after I got the kids to bed, at around 9pm, I called the VA Hospital and told them I had misplaced my husband and hoped he was there. They assured he was there and undergoing some tests. They ruled out kidney stones and moved to the next logical conclusion: appendicitis. At around 1:30am, they transferred him to Sacred Heart Medical Center for more testing and possible surgery. I had seen Stacey's sister, Steffany, pop up on facebook so I let her know what was going on and she told the rest of the family and now we had a whole gang of people worrying about him. This is where I'm not sure if I'm a bad wife. See, I was never worried. I asked our Lord for patience in waiting for a diagnosis and, of course, for the recovery of my husband. But I never once thought that something terrible could happen or that I had even a tiny reason to worry. I just took care of things around the house the best I could and arranged sitters for the kids so I could be with Stacey. I figured that it was either going to get better on it's own and remain a mystery or we would find out what it was and get it fixed. What became very obvious to me, was how blessed we are to have so many family and friends in the area who are available and willing to take our kids so I could hang out with Stacey in the hospital.

I was certainly frustrated at times with the lack of information we were getting from the tests and I really hated knowing that my husband was in pain. For the most part they had him on pain killers and he was pretty comfortable. On his first day there, he was feeling okay so he went off the meds and had lunch. Since nothing was really going on, Stacey said I should head home and take care of things around there and then come back. While I was away he went into a fit of pain. His sisters had stopped in to see him and he was in agony, waiting to be put on pain killers again. I, of course, was not there at this time. When his sisters called and told me what was going on, I did get pretty upset. I just don't like being helpless in the care of my family. I would rather be the one in pain because I feel in control. I like the fact that I birth the babies and Stacey provides loving support because I know what to do to help myself through the labor. I've never asked Stacey how he feels when I go into transition and have to work through those really intense contractions. Does he feel helpless? Does he ask God for help and guidance? Because that's how it was for me on my drive back to the hospital. Even during that time, I knew it was going to be okay. God would carry us lovingly through this and we would come out the other side.

So what the heck was wrong with him? This remains a mystery. His kidneys were fine, his gall bladder was fine, his appendix was fine. On Monday night they got his system all cleaned out and by Tuesday mid-morning, he was feeling a lot better. He was taken off pain medication and he tried eating a nice healthy lunch and nothing bad happened. He came home with me that evening and that was that. If this ever happens again, they would definitely do tests to figure out more, but at this point he doesn't have history of stomach issues and it might have been a one time thing. Crazy.

Summer Resolutions

I was reflecting on my list of things I would like to accomplish this summer and I was feeling very optimistic. But I feel like there are a few things missing from the list in the way of personal and spiritual growth. There are some things about myself that are keeping me from true happiness and keeping me from being in full relationship with my kids, with my husband, and with God. This post may seem a bit self-centered but if I am not living up to my full potential as a mama, how can I take care of this family?

1. My temper. I am able to brush most things off. When my husband forgets about something we were supposed to do, I just simply realize that he is human, we all forget things and it is kind of silly to think that he forgot on purpose just to tick me off. And I afford this rationale to complete strangers as well. When another driver does something crazy in traffic I think, "Oh, perhaps he didn't see the sign or maybe he is lost or not familiar with the area." Nothing really phases me out and about in this great world . . .  except my own children.

Isn't that crazy? I am willing to give complete strangers the benefit of the doubt but when I ask Shannon to go get his shoes on and he doesn't do it, I fly off the handle and automatically think, "Why is he trying to make me mad?!" And that is when I yell at him and behave like a child. As I sit here typing this, I can be rational and know that Shannon simply got distracted. He was not thinking, "I really like it when my mom is mad at me so I am not going to put my shoes on." My overreactions to Shannon's behavior is my biggest struggle right now. Once I go into anger mode, it is almost impossible for me to effectively discipline him. Discipline comes from the Latin "disciplinaire" which means "to teach". It does not mean "to punish". I can not teach him to make the right choices when he is crying and upset after being yelled at.


I was recently talking to two moms, in separate circles, who seem to struggle with their anger as well and in very similar situations so I know that I am not alone in this. Not to say it is okay, just that we can help each other. Knowing that there are others like me, I wanted to list some of the resources that I am finding helpful right now in my struggle.

Resources:
Parenting with Grace: Catholic Parent's Guide to Raising almost Perfect Kids by Greg and Lisa Popcak. This is a great resource for all parents. One of the first chapters discusses how important having a good rapport with your children is. And I must say, Stacey and I are kind of awesome in this department. Even though I lose my temper and handle stressful situations poorly, my kids love being with me and doing things together because I tell them I love them about 50 times a day (probably more times actually), and I hug them and kiss them about 50 times a day, we play together, we pray together, we work together, and we rejoice in their successes. So, right away, I knew there was hope for me. The next section is pretty much techniques for everyday dicipline. The preventative maintenance if you will. And then a section on correcting behavior. And then a whole mess of awesome information after that. Even though I have read this book before, I am re-reading the first sections very slowly and carefully, with intention, and really working through it.

When Anger Hurts Your Kids by Matthew McKay. This is another book that I believe all parents could gain from. Basically anger is caused by stress and trigger thoughts so this book works on decreasing stress (which could also be any sort of physical discomfort), changing your trigger thoughts, and responding appropriately. It also breaks apart the first seven years of life and what motivates kids to behave in certain ways. Just knowing the why behind some of the behavior is helpful. This same author also has an anger control workbook that I picked up.

2. Spiritual Life. Having a healthy relationship with God has always directly effected the relationship I have with my kids, my husband, and others. My overall satisfaction with my life is dependent upon my spiritual health. And lately, I've been slacking. I need to be more intentional in my prayers and in setting time aside in the morning for this.

Resources:
Small Steps for Catholic Moms by Elizabeth Foss & Danielle Bean. For everyday of the year they give you a quote from a saint or from Scripture, a short prayer in reflection of the above quote, and then an invitation to act on this reflection. Each month has a different theme. For June the theme is Gentleness. Is that appropriate for my struggle right now or what? And I also picked up the companion journal, which invites you to reflect deeper on the overall theme for the month. 

3. Physical Health. I have been failing my body in both nutrition and physical activity. Not to mention, I do not get enough sleep because I keep forgetting to go to bed at a decent hour. All of these things lead to stress and/or physical discomfort and this stress leads to a decreased ability to manage my temper.

Resources:
Couch to 5K program. If you have ever considered running but every time you try you feel like your lungs might explode and you're shins are going to snap, this program is for you. This is a super gradual introduction to the world of running. Even at my most fit (between pregnancies 1 and 2), I refused to work on my cardio health. I just enjoyed the awesome muscle tone. I am now determined to complete this nine week program and maybe even go beyond. We shall see.

10 Minute Solution: Rapid Results Pilates. I have always loved pilates but for some reason I got away from it to change things up and then never stuck with anything after that. This is just one of those things where if it wasn't broke, I should not have tried to fix it. Stacey actually bought this DVD a few years back, after returning from an officer's training where he was forced to do pilates as part of his militray training. And he liked it so he bought his own DVD. I really like this program. There are five 10-min workouts and from the top menu you can create your own workout. I do the stretching and abs workouts every time and then I alternate between buns/thighs and arms/shoulders. I follow my run with pilates and I think it has helped keep me lose so my muscles don't cramp up in between runs.

As far as sleeping and nutrition goes: I know better, I just need to be more disciplined. If I find any resources of interest for this I'll let you know. Or if you have any suggestions, please share.

In Summary
This may seem like a lot of things to be working on at once, but I am easing into each one very slowly. In the past, I have rushed into these sorts of things just to become overwhelmed a week in. And right now is a perfect time to focus on these things as the weather is uplifting and I will not be as focused on structured schooling. By the time a new year of learning is upon us, I hope to have grown in these areas while simultaneously conquering the items on my summer plan. I realize I will not have mastered everything (summer isn't that long) but creating a strong foundation to build on is what I feel is most important right now.